Last night I went to sleep with one of those sorta "pleading with the Lord" type prayers. Our spiritual journey is full of peaks, plateaus, and dips. Lately I have been on a peak, feeling a spiritual high as I have felt my Father in Heaven's awareness of me, and my Savior's support in me. Unfortunately, we aren't always going to be on that spiritual high. With many things in my mind and lots of decisions to make, I was feeling aware of that spiritual high having faded over the course of this week. Without giving details of my prayer, I was pleading to rise above the plateau and continue to get direction from The Lord.

This morning as we were getting ready for our days, Caleb was a bit grumpy. The thought came to my mind to turn on some music. I grabbed my phone and pulled up my "church playlist" and put it on shuffle. (I rarely use shuffle.) The first song that popped up was "track 8". These are the songs at the end of my playlist, which is rather long, so they aren't always the songs that get much attention payed to them. I was craving something familiar, so I went to skip to the next song, but felt like I needed to leave it.
The song that ended up being Track 8 was Kenneth Cope's More. A song I have never really listened to before.

I am grateful for the knowledge that The Lord answers prayers. He is aware of us and loves us and wants to help direct us on a path towards our Savior. Towards happiness. This song was a perfect reminder to me.
I'm grateful that The Lord works "line upon line", that we are given what our mind is opened to and ready for at that point. That as we are ready for more, it is made available to us as we search for it. Plateaus happen. We get comfortable. But our Father in Heaven has made more available to us. Our Savior, through means I can't comprehend, makes it possible for us to continue to grow. And the spirit whispers to us when it's time for more.

I'm grateful that I could feel the spirit reminding me to recognize that I was not feeling the same as the week before. I'm grateful that I was guided to plead last night. I'm grateful that Caleb was having a rough morning, which prompted me to turn music on and hear an answer to prayer. Our Savior is in control. There is nothing he cannot help us to overcome. No trial, complacency or evil is stronger than our savior. And he is always there. Always waiting for us to turn our faces to him. Always waiting to comfort and guide us. I've never felt as blessed in my life as I have lately. I am grateful for second chances. And third and forth and infinite. I'm grateful beyond measure that in some phenomenal way, our Savior truly heals and changes our hearts. I'm grateful for those in this world that live in such a way to be answers to another's prayer. I feel overwhelming love as my Savior uses those around me to bless and guide me. I'm grateful for more, that I can do more and be more and have more. Peace love and happiness.

{Click here for the song}

I keep trying to put my night with my grandmother into words, but end up deleting it because I just cant describe it. Anything I write sounds so...not as monumental as it was to me. (plus most of it was feeling and not physical things that happened.) I still haven't come up with anything that makes any sense or does it any justice...but I want to document something.

My Grandmother has Alzheimer's. Generally we can talk about her (or anything) right beside her and she wont notice or understand. Her health is drastically diminished (in fact, it feels odd to use the word "health" when speaking of her condition).

Tonight, my grandmother knew who I was. I don't just mean that I'm Emily...but who I am. 

She was happy to see me.

I sat on the floor at the side of her chair with my arm in her lap. She kept rubbing my arm, from wrist to shoulder. She would pat and rub and squeeze. She would rub my back and (so slowly, because that's how she moves) bend down to kiss my forehead. She kept telling me how glad she was that she was there with me and getting to know me better. She kept thanking me for coming and having that time with her. She was asking me details about my life, wanting to know what was going on with me. At one point she had bent down to kiss me, and after kissing my forehead bent down farther to kiss my lips. She told me that she wanted me to come see her more and talk with her so she could know me more and I just started crying. She just smiled at me and rubbed me and told me not to cry.

In the midst of the things that were happening that a camera could have caught, there were so many other things happening. The way that I felt can't be described. I felt like my grandmother was aware that she isn't normally there, and was treasuring the moment while she was. I felt like my Father in Heaven was blessing me with this moment with my grandmother. (as a side note, I also felt like my grandpa was very happy that I was getting to know this woman that he knows she is.) A moment in time that I had to feel close with the person she is, to have that to hold on to until I get to know her more once I join her in Heaven. Like I was getting a glimpse of the woman I will meet there. I felt like she had grown inside of her body over these past few years...like while she has been feeling gone to us, she was inside there just perfecting her wisdom in preparation to meet her God. She was a wiser woman than I have ever known her to be. I saw a deeper woman who has learned truths about this life. Her perspectives seemed changed. (She even asked why I didn't take her to church with me and told me that she wanted to go with me.) There were many things she said that are examples of this randomness I am speaking of, but I cant even remember them all specifically, or feel as if I should write them. She just treasured the things that are truly important, and took that moment to show it to me. At one point she even talked about how much kids learn from their grandparents. She wasn't telling me that I needed to learn from her, it was just an observation she was making. She talked about family and life and aging and being together. She talked about learning and growing. She was the most loving and caring I have ever seen her. She was content and happy. I was content and happy. I felt close to my Heavenly Father, and like the veil between the here-and-now and the life to come was very thin. My grandmother was a wise and tender and loving woman.

As special as this time was to me (which I obviously cant describe!), it also is leaving me feeling very scared that I am about to lose my grandmother on this earthly journey. That thought makes it hard to breathe, and I just keep reminding myself that it is part of this life for people to move on. I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that there is life after this one and that I will be with my grandmother again. I am in awe, amazed by the woman that I saw tonight. My grandmother has always been a great woman in a lot of ways, but never the woman I saw tonight. She has lived an amazing life and has incredible stories to prove her determination, whit, craftiness, strength, beauty and grit. She now has a tender love for the things in this world that truly matter and that you can take with you to the next life.

I hope to hold onto this woman that I sat with tonight. To pass that legacy on in my family tree. Because that woman was truly a heavenly Mother. 

{hero}

I’m a “Daddy’s Girl.” With that said, the person that I wanted to marry as I was growing up was my Grandfather. Smokey. Nic-named that, as a boy, for shooting out the lights that lined the streets in Black Earth, Wisconsin. My Grandpa wasn’t always the best husband, or so the stories went. But he was always such an example of gentle strength and valor... in the eyes of this little girl. And my Grandma matched him as a companion. Both amazing people with amazing lives and stories to tell. I had amazing Grandparents who had a profound impact on my life. As I have gotten older…and they have gotten older, I have realized more and more how they have shaped the person I am.
My Grandmother has been declining with Alzheimer's as the years have progressed. And my Grandfather, the stalwart man that I always thought him to be, has truly stepped up to the plate to be her knight in shining armor. I have seen every other person around her show frustration, tiredness, aggravation, exhaustion (all understandable). Never once have I seen the slightest hint of any of these things in my Grandfather’s countenance. And how amazing it would be for someone to pull this off, and be so proud of themselves. But my Grandfather doesn’t even know that he has anything to feel proud of. He doesn’t feel aggravated or short changed, while managing to work through it and be the person he knows he should be. He doesn’t put on a smile in an attempt to be gallant. He simply is. When thinking about this as I sat with them one day, I pointed out to my Grandpa how happy Grandma is, and asked him if he realized that this is often not how people in her position feel. He was confused. He truly didn’t know. I guess he assumed that every aging woman who is constantly confused is madly in love with her husband? Maybe he even thought that she was in love because she was confused? She is, in fact, in love (more in love than I have ever seen her) because he is lovable. Absolutely adorably lovable. He goes along with her stories and plays with her and flirts with her and does anything he can do to make her feel happy. My Grandmother started humming (almost beatboxing) as the dementia has gotten worse. It’s quite cute at times. Her, just sitting there to her own rhythm, smiling at my Grandfather. And then she’ll stop and begin to tell me how much her and Smokey love each other, how much in love they have always been, and how they have never fought a day in their whole life (not even close to true, mind you). One time, during this conversation, I got my Grandfather’s attention and pointed out that Grandma was telling me how happy they have always been and how they have never fought a day in their marriage. Grandpa just smiled and agreed (winking to me), telling me how much they do love each other. He then told me their nightly routine. Grandma lays down for the night and begins making her “mouth music”. He laughs and tells her, “ok Gene, time to sleep. No more singing”. She laughs back, and agrees to stop. And then she begins to tell him how much she loves him, how thankful she is for him, how they have always been so happy and never fought. My Grandmother goes to bed happy each night, laying beside the love of her life, because of the love that that very man consistently shows her.
My Grandpa couldn’t have lived up to my beliefs in him any more than he is. They are both so lucky to have had this life together. I am so grateful to know that they will be together in the next life.

In the mean time, I will be praying for my Grandmother, that as she gets more confused and more physically ill, she will not feel alone. I pray that she will continue to feel loved and in love. I pray that she will have peace. And for my dear Grandfather, I pray that he will feel lifted with a sweet strength that love brings. That he will feel peace with the things which are going to happen. And that he will feel the truth that their love won’t end as my Grandma passes on. The love that has grown in the past few years will not be lost. They will be together. Grandma might not remember who he is today, but she will know who he is for the eternities to come. What a King and Queen they have turned out to be.

Today I got to lay on the couch with Caleb for about 45 minutes, arms wrapped around eachother, as I received random kisses. It was a good day.

Today is wet. Its chilly and grey and wet. The leaves are covering the ground. My feet are cold. My hair and makeup aren't done. Its quiet. And it's perfect.

{love}

The love you feel from a child is unlike any other. It's so adorable how simply they love you. Tonight, Caleb informed me, "Mom, your breath stinks. BUT, I love you SO much." Now that is love!
Our nightly lullaby is Silent Night. It amazes me that they still ask me to sing it, I sing like a frog. Yet they do. They are certainly to the age where they can tell that I can't sing. However, they accept my voice. Reminds me of when Caleb was born... when he was being weighed he started crying. The moment I spoke to him from across the room, he fell silent to listen to my voice. He knew my voice, he knew I was his mommy, and he loved me already. There are so many simple things that make being a mom the most amazing experience.

children

Today, the kids were having a hard day. Grace came and told me that she didnt feel comfortable because she didnt feel the spirit. I asked her what we could do and she suggested we read scriptures. Caleb chose 2 Nephi 26.
I just wanted to share 2 verses.

29. That men preach and set themselves up for a light unto the world, that they may get gain and praise of the world; but they seek not the welfare of Zion.
30. Behold, the Lord hath forbidden this thing; wherefore, the Lord God hath given a commandment that all men should have charity, which charity is love. And except they should have charity they were nothing.

On a side note, Caleb is an AMAZING reader. I cant even believe how he can sound out every word so quickly...he reads so smoothly and only came across one word that he pronounced incorrectly! I am so happy that he loves to read!

Jennie's Super Party

today.

I saw a hummingbird. I put the feeder up 4 months ago. Looked almost daily. Today was my first sighting. Happy.

Gracie wore white capris with a white ruffled shirt and a sparkly head band. If you have ever seen a little girl in all white, you know why this is note worthy :)

Was forgiven by a friend (hopefully).

Got to read some more of a book I’m loving.

Was able to be home to get Grace off the bus.

Texted with a friend that makes me smile. 10 minutes is better than none. :)

Got a sweet kiss from Caleb. He loves me.

Have a clean kitchen.

caleb came into bed and snuggled with me this morning. we started talking and the topic lead to telling the truth. i explained to him that its important to tell the truth all the time so that when he tells me something i will know that i can believe him. caleb responded by telling me to pray about it. that when he tells me something and i dont know if its truen i should ask heavenly father is caleb telling the truth.then the spirit would let me know if he is telling the truth or not.

i just though this was so beautiful. a lot of times in moments like this i get excited that something i have specifically taught him has stuck. in this case there was no specific lesson. and i couldnt be more happy that caleb knows this truth.

fyi my phone isnt allowing me to use any capitol or puncuation besides periods. sorry...smiley face.

Daner

prayer is an amazing thing. miracles do happen.

www.daneconquerscancer.blogspot.com

while in the kitchen

If I had to make a short list of things I am grateful for, my sister would certainly be on it. However, that's not the point of this post...but it will come back around to that.

Today I made a meal that I love. It just happens to take a couple (or a few!) hours to make. While I was spending that time in the kitchen, my mind seemed to be overwhelmed with some thoughts.

Heavenly Father was aware of me, before I was aware of Him.

I have many many examples of this, but one in specific has stood out today.

My sister and I were both blessed with amazing college roomates. When I say amazing, what I really mean is AH-MAZ-ING. We were both blessed with someone who supported us, helped us to grow, helped to shape our identity, make us who we now are, gave our lives stability, and will be life long friends.

I've tried to write an explanation of why I feel this way, but my words just don't do it justice. so for now, I will simply record that fact: Heavenly Father blessed us with who we needed at that time in our lives. And while I am understandably closer to my roommate then Gena is (and vise-versa), I know that we love each others roommates dearly.

Have you ever loved someone, simply because of something you know about them? Because of something they have done for someone you love? I am so grateful for Gena's roommate. I love her dearly, simply because of who she has been and is in my sisters life. You can't always be there 100% for the people you love, but you can be grateful for others that you know are there at times that you aren't. Thank you, Leslie. I do love you!! :) And I love that I know that because my sister loves me so much, she feels the same about Ashley.

Someday, our roommates will have to meet. And the awesome thing is that I know that they will love eachother. Not only because they are both awesome girls, but because they love us.

Some Familiy Pics

I havent posted in forever! I am getting more and more sick of/frustrated with face book, and need to just come back to blogging! For now, here are some pics we had taken the other week...